confusion

Sunday afternoon Graden and I were asked to sit with his grandpa for a few hours. Graden's grandpa's health has been declining so the family has been taking turns sitting with him to keep him company and to keep an eye on him.

I was nervous to go over. I do not deal with death or the process of death very well, but I told myself I was going to be there for my husband and face my fears, so I went.

We got to his room right as the last session of conference started. Grandpa had been unresponsive all day. He was laying in his bed just breathing loudly.

Graden's cousin was there before us and told us that grandpa's sounds got very wearing so I turned conference up kind of loud, also grandpa would have wanted to hear it.

His breathing was inconsistent. He would breath for a few minutes then stop for ten to thirty seconds then start breathing again. He did this the whole time we were there. I just kept telling my self he was just laying in bed sleeping, so I would not get freaked out.

I've heard before people die they get a rattle. I kept hoping he would not get it. There were a few times he groaned and had a little rattle but Graden sponged his mouth with water and it stopped.

Just as President Monson ended the last talk of conference the girls from the nursing home came in to change grandpa and check in on him. They changed him then tucked him back in the covers of the bed.

After Grandpa seemed comfortable they asked, how long has be not been breathing? Graden and I said, not too long. We really were unsure because the on-again-off-again breathing had become a normal sound.

They checked his pulse and said it was not there, so they called in the nurse. The nurse check for a heart beat and it was not there. Grandpa had passed.

I've heard what it is like to be with someone as they go but I've never experienced it. I expected a dark feeling to come, a scary feeling. But it was not like that at all. It didn't feel different. It was not scary.

At first I did not know what to do. I panicked a little. I left the room and called Graden's aunt right away. After I got off the phone with her I called other family members, I didn't know what else to do.

There were a few moments where is was just Gray and I in the room with grandpa as he lay there dead in bed. It was weird. I did not know how to feel. Someone had just passed while I was sitting twenty feet away.

That night I did not sleep. It wasn't because I was scared (like I thought I would be) it was just confusion. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what I should feel. Confusion is the only word I can think of to describe how I feel.

Grandpa was 97 years old. He has had two wives and three adult daughters leave before him. It is good, at least for him, to go.

He was a great example to all of us, especially his family. He was a strong man that was steadfast in his believes till the very end. It was evident that he loved the gospel through his service in many missions. And the fact that he waited until the last talk of conference to go.

I'm grateful for the many hours he spend with Graden in his tomato field teaching the importance of hard work. The memory of Grandpa Gibby's life will always be cherished.